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Smiling when I’m not

Updated: Apr 4, 2022



I was thinking back on my past and thought about how I never really lived alone. I’ve always lived with friends or a boyfriend or my mom growing up. I’ve always been afraid to have independence by myself and afraid of what would happen in the future. I was always scared about the unknown. Then it led to me thinking this morning what would it feel like to live alone? What would it feel like to be that teenager again and just be on my own? I think if I had that experience as a core memory I wouldn’t feel this way. As you all know I’ve been a little codependent all my life but at the same time independent taking care of myself. Reflecting back on life is a crazy thing. Sometimes it keeps me up at night and then the “mom anxiety” sets in.


I just feel lately I’m becoming more standoffish to everyone I meet, everyone I speak to, and everyone I would potentially want to work with but too scared to even ask. I am very grateful for the way my life has turned out and all the lessons I have learned within my life, but sometimes life puts me into a corner and I don’t wanna talk to anyone. I think it’s very important to remember that God has led the life you lived because he wants you to learn lessons and I just have to accept that. I feel like my life can be way more bigger than it already is but when people continuously knock me down I lose all confidence in myself. Maybe I just need a little bit more self-reflecting and acceptance.

Just some random thoughts for today..

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